


Mastermind

by TheEnigmaMachine



Category: Sonic the Hedgehog - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Humor, M/M, Romance, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:33:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23496820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheEnigmaMachine/pseuds/TheEnigmaMachine
Summary: Neo had everything he could have ever wanted: his own lair, his own minions, and a proxy entertainment company that kept the world's attention in his grasp. For as the world's foremost evil super genius, no one could match Neo's skill or intelligence. No one, that was, except for Sonic the Hedgehog.
Relationships: Metal Sonic/Sonic the Hedgehog
Comments: 10
Kudos: 82





	1. Chapter 1

Everyone had their strengths and weakness, and as far as Neo could figure, his personality was made up of mostly strengths. He had engineered himself that way; he was a robot after all. It had been a simple matter to rewrite his own code, then rewrite it again and again, until he was absolutely perfect in every way. There was not a scientific problem in the world Neo couldn’t solve, no logistical challenge that couldn’t be optimized.

So then why was it Neo still had _problems_?

Take his own robot minions, for example. Neo had engineered them to be superior in every way. They were made of the most durable material, and they were all connected to Neo’s hyper-efficient, quantum computing network. He could write up orders, send them out, and his minions would be hard at work at Neo’s latest scheme within seconds.

That was, at least, until his minions had the wonderful idea to form, of all things, a _union._ What had once been hyper-efficiency had turned to a colossal bureaucracy, the complexity of which flabbergasted even Neo himself.

So what had he done? The only logical thing of course.

He melted down all his minions and started over.

That had solved one problem, but just like an endless game of optimization Whack-a-Mole, it had created another one.

Namely, the complete inability his minions possessed to stop Sonic the Hedgehog.

Neo smacked the computer terminal in front of him. The holographic screen above it fuzzed slightly. The obnoxious face of Sonic the Hedgehog looked back at him.

“Aw, what’s the matter, Neu~?” Sonic called out with a sly smile. He was staring up at one of the cameras Neo had installed throughout the entire secret lair. Sonic tapped his foot against the charred body of one of Neo’s fallen mechanical minions. “You distracted by my beautiful face or somethin’? Cuz your robo-buddies are even dumber than the last time. This guy didn’t even notice me until I was already on top of him.”

Neo growled a harsh, mechanical screech. He pressed a button on the terminal before him, and a holographic screen popped up in front of Sonic. Sonic would now be able to see Neo’s face. That would, according to Neo’s calculations, intimate the hedgehog.

“We have been down this path a million times before now, hedgehog. What makes you think this time will be any different? You may have had some past successes breaking into my lair, but you have never truly been able to stop me.”

“Aw, stop you? Where’s the fun in that?” Sonic flipped back his quills with the palm of his hand. “I’m just here because I know you can’t keep your eyes off me.”

He blew the camera a kiss.

Neo cursed. He slammed the button again, cutting off Sonic’s hologram without another word. Sonic could no longer see Neo, but Neo could still see Sonic.

Which, as it always had, proved to be a mistake. Sonic knew that Neo could still see him, and he took full advantage of that by speeding down the corridors of Neo’s lair in what had to be his most flirtatious attempt yet. Every time Neo sent a minion after Sonic, Sonic would jump into the air, pose for the camera, then destroy the robot with a single pounce. He would wave at the camera, smile, then continue down the hallway singing.

Why did Neo keep making this mistake? The problem, as far as Neo could tell, was that Sonic was some type of pathological narcissist who thrived on any form of attention. If Neo would just ignore him, Sonic would probably go away.

Probably.

Or the hedgehog would actually destroy Neo’s lair for real this time. That was a risk Neo couldn’t afford to take.

So he continued to watch Sonic, and Sonic continued to tele-flirt with him. Occasionally, Neo would lose his cool and make the mistake of turning on his own feed for Sonic to see in an attempt to intimate the hedgehog. Sonic would just smile at him, and Neo would have to cut the feed again immediately.

Neo plopped back down into his evil mastermind throne and pressed his forehead with the tips of his fingers. As always, this hedgehog was proving to be a massive pain in the motherboard. Everything about Sonic was just so weak, so inefficient, so... _random_ , and Neo was endlessly tormented by it.

“Knock-knock~”

Neo jerked upright, his gaze locked to the steel door.

“You gonna let me in, Neu? Let me see that big, handsome ‘bod of yours in person, hmm? Come on now, Neu, don’t make me wait. I didn’t come all this way for nothing.”

Neo groaned. He stood up. He dragged himself over to the door as every electron in his circuits told him this was a terrible plan.

Neo slammed the door open. “What? What do you want?”  
  
Sonic smiled. He stepped forward, standing but a hand’s distance away from Neo. “What’s the world come to that a hedgehog can’t just visit his neighbor, huh? I was just walking this way and I thought I might as well stop in and see how you’re doing.”

Neo held perfectly still, his fists clenched. “And here I thought you were stopping by to borrow a cup of sugar.”  
  
“ Was that a joke, Neu? I never thought you had it in you.” Sonic inched even closer. He was so close now that Neo could feel his breath. “But if you want to give me some sugar, you know I’m always willing.”  
  
“Actually, I think I will take you up on that offer.”

With one hand, Neo grabbed Sonic’s wrist. With his other, he grabbed Sonic’s waist. Then, with the hedgehog completely in his embrace, he leaned forward and pressed his muzzle to Sonic’s mouth.

Sonic’s eyes widened. He mumbled something Neo couldn’t understand, but whatever it was, it didn’t sound like sarcasm. Then Sonic’s eyelids slowly fell shut. He leaned in and brought his hand down, pressing his palm to Neo’s own. Sonic let their fingers slowly intertwine. A soft purr rumbled from him.

Finally, Neo withdrew.

Sonic stood there, eyes half-lidded in a daze. His voice was very quiet. “N-neu?”

Neo snapped the other half of the handcuff to the iron support beam. Then he took a step back and crossed his arms in triumph. “You are mine now, hedgehog.”

“Huh?” Sonic shook his head, attempting to regain his wits. “What did you—”

Sonic tugged his wrist. The handcuff held firm. He tried to pull free, but he couldn’t breakaway. Then he tried to lean down, preparing for a spin, but there wasn’t enough room. His feet slipped out from under him, and he fell to the ground on his bottom.

“You can try all you want, hedgehog, but those handcuffs are made from the strongest alloy known to science. You won’t break free.”  
  
Neo stepped forward, his optics beaming. He could feel the desire to monologue growing within himself, but he tried to ignore it. “Not so confident now, are we?”  
  
Sonic looked up at him. For a brief moment, Neo thought he saw a twinge of panic cross the hedgehog’s face. But it was fleeting, and it vanished as fast as it had appeared. Sonic went to say something, but Neo cut him off.

“There is no need for a rebuttal, hedgehog.” Neo stepped backward. He snapped his fingers. Steel bars came shooting down from the ceiling and formed a perfect cage around Sonic.

“You are mine now.”


	2. Chapter 2

The view displayed on Neo’s monitor varied more in form than in content. True, he could pull up a view of anywhere in the world on his monitor. That had been the advantage of hacking into the world’s smartphone network. Wherever there was a computer, there Neo was.

It didn’t matter though. What had started as an ambitious project in the invasion of personal privacy in the name of evil science had ended in what could only be called the tragedy of the banal. So many people, so many places, yet so little soul.

Neo hit the switch, and the feed cut out. He stood up and didn’t even bother to spin his chair back into its correct, most optimal position for future sitting. After all, what was the point?

“The problem is there is no problem,” Neo grumbled. He dragged himself out of his control room with all the enthusiasm of a first-year student heading to midterms. “It has all been too easy lately. No one wants to put up a fight anymore.”

Okay, maybe it wasn’t so much that no one  _ wanted  _ to put up a fight as the fact no one was  _ able  _ to put up a fight. Fighting wasted energy, and Neo had never tolerated any waste in his thermodynamic streams. True, each foe was, in principle, supposed to pose a unique challenge, but at the end of the day, all organic lifeforms had the same weaknesses. So when Neo had discovered the fact that direct force wasn’t the answer—that the true path to world domination laid in distracting the population with idle entertainment to the point they didn’t even  _ notice  _ the world order had changed—then it was but a few quick moments until game over.

Neo was a hacker, and the bugs in the operating system of life were plentiful.

And what had been his reward for all this? For bringing stability and distraction to the masses? For ensuring every baby born had access to a television?

His reward had been a series of endless administrative tasks that lived on an endless loop. It was one thing to take over the world; it was a whole other to run it.

Neo continued to trudge down the monotonous, gray corridor, heading deeper into his lair. For in the center of his lair was where he kept the one thing that could cheer him up—that one fleck of blue in the otherwise gray landscape that represented his life.

The pressurized doors hissed open. There inside the room, separated by a wall of metal alloy bars, was Neo’s prized secret.

Sonic the Hedgehog.

Sonic yawned, flopping back on the stack of imported silken pillows that made up his bed. “Long time no see, Neu. How long has it been since we last saw each other? Two hours? Three hours?”

“For your information,” Neo growled, “it has been exactly four hours, 43 minutes, and 23 seconds since I was last here.”

“Same difference.” Sonic fluffed one of the pillows then turned, sinking deeper into the stack. “And it’s been what, three weeks that we’ve been roommates now?”

Neo walked into the cell, and the doors slammed shut behind him. “You have been my prisoner for exactly one month to this date.”

“Right, right. Prisoner.” Sonic grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl beside his bed. “’Cuz you know, bedside service is totally a normal thing in prisons.”

Neo folded his arms, his head cocked upright. “Remember who is in charge here. I could take all of these comforts away in an instant, lock you up in—”

Before Neo could finish his sentence, Sonic was standing at the prison bars with his arms out hanging. “You know what I think? I think you don’t actually wanna hurt me. That’s the truth.”

Neo started. “Why you—”

Sonic cut him off. “Come on, Neu. Stop lying to yourself already. What kind of evil super villain keeps his arch-nemesis in a cell like this?”

Sonic gestured toward the pillows, the fruit bowl, and the claw foot bathtub in the corner of his cell. “This is less of a prison and more of a five-star resort.”

Sonic stretched his legs out, whining. “I do wish you’d let me out already though. It’s still a little cramped in here.”

Neo clenched his fists. “You know I cannot do that. It...well, things may have gotten a little...mundane lately. But I cannot let you out until I know why.”

Sonic’s ears flicked upright. “Know what?”

“I need to know why—” Neo clenched his fists harder. “Why—”

He took a step forward, his voice nearing a shout. “Why I cannot seem to  _ hurt  _ you!”

Sonic’s eyes widened but Neo continued. “Every time—every time I imagine you getting hurt...not just me hurting you but anyone harming you...whenever I think about any harm befalling you, be it bodily harm or otherwise, I—well, the thought upsets me, you see. It honestly upsets me. And it should not upset me, Sonic. It should not. Because nothing should upset me—the entire world is mine, I can have anything I want, and anyway...to be upset, that is a weak emotion. It is a sign of weakness, Sonic. And I—”

Neo slammed his fist against the wall. “...I am not weak.”

“Neu.” Sonic’s voice was very quiet but he had the single most obnoxious grin Neo had ever seen on his face. “You wanna know what I think?”

Neo groaned. “Now I am afraid to ask.”

“I think,” Sonic’s grin grew even wider, “that you like me.”

“Like you?” Neo straightened his back. “Do not be absurd. I do not  _ l _ _ ike  _ anything, Sonic. Unless you count efficiency. Efficiency is the only thing I like, Sonic.”

Sonic threw his head back and laughed. “For an evil genius, you can be so dense sometimes. Lemme be more clear—”

Sonic narrowed his gaze. And then, to Neo’s horror, Sonic actually  _ winked  _ at him. “I think you’re in love with me.”

The walls of the room seemed to shrink around Neo. “E-excuse me?”

“That’s right, Neu. It’s obvious to everyone but yourself.” Sonic threw a flirty grin at Neo, batting his eyelids seductively. “You are absolutely crazy about me.”

“N-no, no. Do not be ridiculous. That is untrue. There...there is another reason, I am sure.”

And what was that reason? What other possible explanation fit the data? Sure, it was true that the thought of harm befalling a single quill on Sonic’s head filled Neo with horror. And sure, maybe, if Neo were really honest with himself, when Neo was all alone, he did sometimes, just sometimes, fantasize about running his fingers through the soft quills on Sonic’s back. But that was something everyone did. It was a completely normal way to feel about Sonic. Who wouldn’t want to pet Sonic?

“It’s all cool, Neu. No shame in how you feel. Heck, I’ll even take you out on a date sometime.”

Neo took a step backward. “Y-you will...what?!”

Sonic winked. “Sure. Just lemme know when you’re free. I’ll be here all week.”

Neo said nothing. A long pause befell the room.

Neo clicked a button on the wall. The jail door opened.

“...Get out.”

Sonic walked up to the open door. “Er...what now?”

Neo stepped toward Sonic. He made full use of his height by towering over him. “Sonic the Hedgehog, you will get out of my lair this instant.”

Sonic leaned against the cell wall, smirking. “Aw, so soon? We’re just getting to the good part where we start arguing like an old married couple.”

Neo went to speak, but before he could say anything, Sonic leaned up. He pressed his lips to the side of Neo’s cheek. Then he lifted his muzzle to Neo’s ear. Neo could feel the warmth of Sonic’s breath.

Sonic whispered, “Now we’re even.”

Then he sped out of the room in a single blur.

Neo merely stood there. He lifted his hand to where Sonic had kissed him. It was still warm.

“Master Neo.” A voice crackled across Neo’s radio. It was one of his robots. “Sonic is escaping, sir. Should we pursue?”

“No. Let him go,” Neo replied.

“Are you sure, sir? He’s nearly out the front door.”

Neo turned on his visual feed. Sonic had made it outside by this point, and he was speeding through the traps in Neo’s courtyard as if they were nothing but dusty spiderwebs.

“I am certain.” Neo cut the feed. “There is no point in having him stay here anymore. The world is already ours.”

“Affirmative,” his robot said. The radio cut out.

Neo groaned, rubbing his optical screen with the palm of his hand. He eyed the now-empty jail cell that used to house his arch-nemesis.

“This was your plan all along, was it not, Sonic? Well played.” Neo walked into the cell. He picked up a half-eaten apple from the fruit bowl. He held it up to the light, observing the bite marks Sonic had left in its soft skin.

Neo crushed the apple in his hand. Juice ran sticky through his fingers.

“But two can play at this game.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to proof read this many times, but if any of you find any typos while reading it, please let me know in the comments below and I will fix them. Thank you!


End file.
